The Holly Monster

If you read my post yesterday, you saw that I wrote nice things about myself. And when I wrote it I honestly meant it. I do see myself as beautiful and as a lovely person. But yesterday, you know what happened? I reread my post at around lunchtime and I didn’t believe it.

I read it and thought “why am I lying to myself and others? I don’t feel that way about myself, I never have and never will”. This I am calling the Holly Monster, because it has basically eaten up and destroyed my feelings, relationships and (what feels like) life in general. I let the HM come into my head and it tells me that I’m ugly or boring or not good enough or dumb or fat or lazy or a million other horrible things. The HM has gotten in the way of past relationships, friendships, jobs, doing well in classes, etc. You name the situation, it has gotten in the way.

The HM (or bad self esteem, bad self image, whatever you want to call it) ruled my head, my attitude, my life. And to be honest, it sometimes still does. I call it a monster because, well, it is. It terrorizes me and in a way, holds me hostage and keeps me from doing things that I want to do. I am a work in progress and I find that my HM shows itself less and less, but it is still there.

I used to want to start a blog AFTER I have this all figured out. After I am happy with my body and how I look and how I act and what I say and do. But you know what? If anything, having this blog has helped me get closer to that inner peace – but I know I have a ways to go.

Have you ever struggled with a poor body image/poor self esteem/[your name here] monster? Do you still struggle?

So, the summary would be this: I hope to one day be at peace with myself, but I am not there. I am starting to see myself as a beautiful, valuable person, but the HM still rears its ugly head at times.

I thought maybe a Monster Breakfast this morning would help me feel better – makes sense, right?

I took Katie’s Oat Smash and Gina’s Breakfast Cookie turned it into the Monster Oat Smash Breakfast Cookie Extravaganza.

In the mix:

Protein powder
Smashed banana
Chia seeds
Almond milk 
Blobs of Nuttzo
Choc chips
Schmear of strawberry preserves
Sprinkle of walnuts
Drizzle of choc syrup (melted choc chips)

It was awesome. Katie I wanted to say thanks for always leaving me the most positive, wonderful comments. You certainly brighten my day! Thanks Friend.

Thank God it is Friday!!!

What are your plans for the weekend?

I think J and I will “have to” hit up the MN State Fair. 🙂

Have a good one,


31 Responses to “The Holly Monster”

  1. Alyssa Says:

    I’m doing lots of hw and going on a double date 🙂

  2. Laury @thefitnessdish Says:

    The Laury monster still peaks her ugly head from time to time, but I try to keep her in check. I think it’s only human…we all struggle with this to one extent…some worse than others–I don’t know if any person in the world has never looked in the mirror and had a thought as to what they would change, or improve upon…if that person exists, I’d love to meet them!! We are all working together…joining the blog community for support & reassurance will help you lock up the Holly monster for good! We all need a boost!


  3. Sarah (Running to Slow Things Down) Says:

    I think we all have thoughts like that at one time or another. The important thing is to replace them with positive thoughts and to mentally tell yourself that those negative thoughts aren’t true (even if you don’t believe this at the time.)

    Oh, and one thing that I’ve discovered that helps is to compliment and encourage other people. Seeing people feel good about themselves is contagious! 😀

  4. leianna Says:

    So jealous you are going to the best State fair, I can’t make it home but still dream about it!
    I have those thoughts to when I compare myself to others or even myself in the mirror, good and bad ways.

  5. Holly Says:

    I too struggle with a “Holly Monster.” I have just recently (within the past couple months) started to see myself for the beautiful person I am, but more often than not I resort back to the self-hating type of thoughts. I’ve been unhappy with my weight my whole life and instead of celebrating my 20-30 lb loss I just keep adding more and more to my ultimate goal. I’m trying to get away from that and all of the healthy living blogs I’ve discovered have helped and inspired me more than anything else every has. I’m so glad I’ve stumbled upon blogs like yours because they have shown me that health is just as much mental as physical–I am much closer to health now that I’ve been even at my lightest weight.

    Great job with your blog and enjoy the fair! Hopefully I’ll get some time to go myself. 😀

  6. eatmovelove Says:

    That’s my kind of a bowl!

    HM sucks. I know where your coming from. One minute I write something (half) normal and positive – and then later I’m negative and down again – blah! But dwelling on it is really the stupidest thing to do ever. So what?! So I feel like a “fake” when I write otherwise…but I’m sick of writing the negative – may as well pretend. I feel like I’m walking around “Fake” though alot.

    Oh well. I’m just a speck in this world, so who cares?!! Enjoy your weekend.

  7. Brittany (A Healthy Slice of Life) Says:

    First off, I LOVE fairs… how fun!

    Second, you’re totally not alone! Everyone has that monster. Honestly, I have gotten a lot better about it than I used to be… which is awesome. But everyone once in a while I’ll still pinch my thigh and say ewwwwwwww. But then I make myself stop. Step away from the mirror. And get outside. Instantly, I’m back to thinking about all the awesome stuff my body can do and not as fixated on how it looks.

  8. Nicole @ Getting Back to the Basics Says:

    It comes in waves for me, but I feel like it comes out more and more as I get older 😦 I think we all struggle with it on some level and maybe by being here for/with each other, we will overcome it! For me, my weight dictates how I feel about myself and that makes me sad. I hate to admit that gaining a few pounds is all it takes for me to go inside my shell. Definitely a work in progress!

  9. Stephanie@ avocado nation Says:

    I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. My monster was just poking her head around recently in the form of self-doubt and thoughts that I was fat and ugly and would never get a job. I think that was part of the reason I was starting to distance myself from the blog, because I thought I didn’t deserve to have on until I was *perfect.* Ha. That doesn’t exist.

    I, for one, think you’re great and your comments really lifted me up when I was feelin’ blue. Thanks for being such a wonderful presence in my life and on my blog.

  10. Shanna, like Banana Says:

    I’m sorry to hear that positive self talk didn’t last all day. Oddly my post today is about how I thrive on the negative self talk. But that doesn’t make it right. Sigh. Always a work in progress, no?

  11. Joslyn @ missfitbliss Says:

    Thanks so much for being open and willing to share the “monster” with the rest of us. Whenever I feel that way it seems like talking about it or writing about it makes the feeling diminish almost immediately. And seriously, whatever was leftover I’m pretty sure that oatmeal took care of. Man I need some of that in my life like, right now! I grew up in Minneapolis so I am a state fair veteran! Whatever food they’re featuring fried-and-on-a-stick this year, have a bite for me;)

  12. Dorry Says:

    Oh yes – the Dorry monster comes out from time to time but thankfully a lot less often than it used to. I think your honesty is inspiring and you should be proud of handling your emotions with open eyes.

  13. christyn @ All Ways Nutritious Says:

    the first step to changing things about yourself is being aware that its not you, but the monster (chatty, trouble making neighbour) trying to bring you down. being aware leads to change. i have had the same experience of thinking i’m beautiful for reasons and then feeling ashamed for thinking it b/c i think its showing off or thinking i’m good. i know they are past beliefs that i agreed to and that i am now breaking everyday 🙂

  14. rc1001 Says:

    I definitely struggle with this. Unless I am constantly giving myself positive affirmations, my self-esteem plumets. I’m working on building up my self-worth so I don’t to be constantly either praising myself or bashing myself. I just want a balance and get to living my life.

  15. 40apples Says:

    Ahh the negative self talk monster… I have suffered under its wrath, definitely. What helps me is to DO something that I know can counteract it: a nurturing yoga class, being around the people who love me and make me laugh, volunteering my time for other people. If your mind is being taken over by the monster, then just get out of it! Throw yourself into the activity. At first it may just distract you, but you might find that by the end of that yoga class, a few hours into a dinner with friends, or whatever it may be, you’ll genuinely feel better. I’ve found that I have to actively seek it out sometimes – but there are definitely things out there that can re-center me. That’s what works pretty well for me. 🙂

  16. Maria @ Oh Healthy Day Says:

    What I love about (and your blog) are that you are a completely honest person. I find it refreshing and I respect you a lot for it.
    I think so often, we write out blogs hoping to please others and no one wants to hear about a bad day, so we right about positive things. That’s great most of the time, but we are denying ourselves an outlet to let our true feelings come through. I am guilty of this and I’m quite certain others are too. I rarely talk about the days where I look at my legs and think “yuck”, “if only they were just an inch thinner”. Then there are days were I only see muscle, strength, and beauty in them. I think that full 100% self confidence is difficult to achieve, but as long as you are headed in the right direction, you will get there. We all will.

  17. Alex @ IEatAsphalt Says:

    I really wish that I could say that I’ve ended negative self talk but I haven’t. Mine now comes out when running or riding my bike. I get so made for being tired, not being able to go faster, ect. I’ve talked myself out of a lot and it’s a huge disappointment. I think your honesty is incredible.

  18. Mary @ Bites and Bliss Says:

    You should believe every word you wrote about yourself because it’s all true. That Holly Monster doesn’t know what it’s thinking!! 🙂

    But I’ll admit, there’s a little Mary Monster living in me too. Somedays you just feel “bleh” you know. Like, I know I’m not fat…but there are days where I just feel fat. I hate saying that because there’s so many thin girls that are like “ohhh my goossh I’m so huuge”…and I don’t mean to come off like that. But the Mary Monster’s weaker and weaker everyday. It’s being overtaken by positive thoughts..and not forced one’s either! 🙂 No doubt your monster will go down, too!

  19. Sarena (The Non-Dairy Queen) Says:

    That is one heck of a monster mash! Looks mighty tasty too! YUM! I completely love your honesty! I hope you enjoy your weekend! Hopefully we will get some down time since my husband is working on a project that he can’t take a break from until October.

  20. Becky Says:

    I have a similar monster inside me. I hate it! Most of the time I feel so strong and empowered, but sometimes doubt creeps in. I’ve come a long way and sometimes its a fear of setback that makes me craziest.

    I’m glad you decided to start your blog! It’s fun for the reader and it’s great to support one another in our journey. No one is perfect…that in itself is beautiful!

  21. Angela (the diet book junkie) Says:

    oh gosh, i was hearing that monster myself last night. but i think you’re being too hard on yourself, girl! everyone has a moment of weakness, usually when they’re tired and rundown. i’m sure even Angelina Jolie doesn’t believe she’s all-that – ALL the time. bottom line is, that monster doesn’t know what he’s talking about. i loved your comment on my blog about faking-it-till-you-make-it. i believe that for confidence too (which is something i gotta work on FOR sure 🙂 )

  22. mostlyfitmom Says:

    I definitely have struggled with poor body image and a lack of self-confidence, but as I’ve aged and done some pretty cool things, I feel like I’ve come into my own. Sure, there are parts of my body that I would still like to improve, but I’ve come far enough to focus on the stuff I’m happy with: my strong quads and hamstrings, the definition in my shoulders, my muscular back. It sounds like you’re moving towards a great body image, but I found that it’s definitely a journey, not a short sprint. 🙂

    That breakfast looks SPECTACULAR!

  23. Danielle Says:

    Oh, girl, I understand. I have a monster of my own too, she’s self-destructive and self-loathing. And everytime I think I’ve silenced her for the last time, I doubt myself in one weak moment and she’s back again. When you are 100% happy, carefree, and confident, please let me know how you got there… I could use the advice :/ hope you have a good night!

  24. Kelly Says:

    I have a Kelly Monster that definitely rears its head every once in a while – ok, probably all too often. I know it’s my own insecurities and am working hard to get past them.
    Thanks for your honesty in your post! It’s soo encouraging!

  25. Mimi Says:

    Hey girl, you’re gorgeous, and you have great taste in television!

    Oh hells yes, I have my own Mimi Monster. It is ferocious and sneaky and likes sugar too much. I haven’t conquered it, but I’ve smacked it around some. Getting there, slowly.

  26. Anne Says:

    I could ditto most everything that has been posted already! So “ditto.” I have found that with each passing year, as I consciously work on the monster thoughts within, they dissipate more and more…and I believe in me, and my value, more and more.

    I look forward to reading your blog each day, and seeing what fun stuff you are cooking up!

  27. Michelle @ Chasing Ambulances Says:

    I often yell at my monster to shut up. Maybe it sounds like I have multiple personalities. But she can be a real bitch!

    I hope you feel better … and I love that you shared this with us. I know we can all relate.

  28. Katie @ Health for the Whole Self Says:

    I most definitely have a monster like that who shows up every now and then. Even though I’ve come so far, it’s still a journey, and there are still bound to be low points. I just try to remind myself that that mental monster is LYING, and I have the power to choose not to listen and believe it. 🙂

  29. Holly @ Self-love and Running Says:

    The Holly Monster occasionally terrorizes me as well. I can totally related. But I find that the monster doesn’t come around as often as it used to. Banish the Holly Monster, I say!

  30. Spam Queen | The Couch Potato Athlete Says:

    […] letter infuriates me because it is this kind of talk that results in me feeding into my Holly Monster. I let in self doubt when I read this email. I went back to those feelings of “I’m not healthy […]

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